Interpersonal conflict : An experience
Resolving Interpersonal Conflict has been a major challenge that every human (who interacts with people :P) has gone through.
Talking about some conflict that I have faced before (yes! I am a human!), there is one that I would like to share. Before I move on to explaining the conflict, I think I can firstly talk about the reason why such a situation arose. I can attribute it to my short-temper and then the ego of the other side (here, my close friend). Another thing that I feel is that working in a team with really close friends is another explorable problem, as the team-bonding includes the element of closeness and some times "taking-for-granted" feeling.
Hersh, a close friend of mine since class 7th, was working on a project with me for a Science Exhibition. We had decided to make a working prototype model of an energy efficient home. Leaving the details of the project apart, we had several meetings for the project and the design. He took the task of designing the project model and I was to work on the features and functions part of the project.
Since it was just the 2 of us, we decided the stuff together and it was not that one person was only responsible for his task. It was a mutual understanding that he helped in the areas I was doing, and vice-versa. In a meeting we had decided upon a particular design. I thought it was the best that we could come up with. But after spending so much time on the design together, Hersh did some changes to it, which I felt were un-necessary and which undermined our original efforts. He just brought the changes and showed them to me. Finding that it was not the original design, I lost my temper as we had really spent hours over the original design. I kind-of angrily said that he had done the wrong thing.
This was enough to trigger a conflict. He took a defensive stand, which soon turned into his stubbornness to change back the design. The conflict became even more complicated when the features could not fit exactly into the new design and he asked me to change the features accordingly.
So for this conflict I attribute ego and stubbornness on both sides and I believe if we hadnt been close friends as a team this condition wouldnt have come up as we would not take each other for granted. Ultimately, a compromise situation was reached and the project was submitted, though, without some features.
I think the only big moral I can see from this conflict is that - "Do not form team with your friends, but, make friends in your teams."
I will add a link here : this might help me later in finding a solution to this problem
http://www.teambuildinginc.com/tps/031b7.htm
Posts
Hi Angad,
I can totally empathize with your friend's situation as I had been in that situation once. We probably just wish to improve the outcome of the project but didn't feel a need to inform the others - it's a improvement after all, so what harm can be done?
However, this is a mistake as we had unknowingly shown some disrespect for another's work. Additionally, all teammates are entitled to know about what goes on within the team.
Whilst he may be the one to be initially at fault, I feel that you should still apologize about your emotional burst-out. You should also share about what made you upset so that the issue may be thrashed out and possibly avoided in future.
I agree with you that we should continue to be sensitive to each other's feelings regardless of your closeness as friends. It is usually insensitivity that results in conflict after all. >.<
Good going, Angad. :) Catch your post again next week.
Yours sincerely,
Juncheng Chen
Hey Juncheng,
Well I think that I mention there that the changes weren't actually an improvement but just changes that I felt were unnecessary.
My reason for anger was justified then, but then, I also failed to tell him about what made me upset. I guess it was due to some ineffective communication.
Angad
Hi Angad,
Referring to the situation you mentioned, I admire the fact that you have acknowledged the cause of the conflict, which was the stubbornness that both parties had.
Such conflict could have been entirely avoided if both of you communicated often and kept each other up to date instead of assuming that each of you know what's going on.
However, since the conflict had occurred, I shall assume myself in your shoes after the incident, I believe this conflict/misunderstanding can be easily resolved with a proper apology, initiated from either side. The most probable thing that would happen after that would be both parties laughing it off after a honest talk and criticism.
"Do not form team with your friends, but, make friends in your teams"
Ultimately, this should not be the 'solution' you want to look for. Working with or without friends does not necessarily steer yourself out of these "conflicts" or the misunderstanding in your conflict. As i said earlier, trust and honest communication throughout the project would have allowed those changes to be made and your project becoming better.
I hope you have benefited much from this experience as this has certainly helped me think through about such a problem that might occur.
~JH, C04e
Hi Angad,
I think we should understand that although we planned everything, sometimes we come up with new ideas and change the plan accordingly. In this situation, it is good that your friend tried to improve the design, but it's also his fault not to inform you before carrying that out.
In that case, he can not demand you to modify the function parts of the project because you followed the plan. You can talk to him about the changes and if he can convinces you that his decision is right, both of you will edit the function pass. Otherwise, I think he will reverse all the changes and come back to the plan
While working in a group, sometimes I also feel tired. But you just need to keep your head cold, and the problem will sooner or later be solved.
Regards,
Tuan Vu
Hi Angad,
Though the mistake is mainly with your friend as he should have informed you before making any changes,you should not have let out an emotional outburst.
To resolve the conflict you should apologize for being so short tempered.There might be some compromises that both sides would have to make regarding the changes.Finally,try to come out with a plan acceptable to both sides.
By the way,I don't agree with you on "not forming teams with friends".I feel that the above situation was a case of ineffective communication which can happen while working with people who may or may not be your friends.
Cheers,
Meenu
Dear Angad
How is this related to the principles of communication?
Is working with friends harder and does it require more EQ?
Regards
Happy
Dear Miss Happy,
I remember you asking me if I was contradicting my point of working with a team that is actually friends with you. I thought about it and I found that actually I was not contradicting.
There are actually 2 different levels of friendship involved -
1) If I form a team with my (already) friends, then there is a sense of "taking-for-granted" and specially in those cases where the motivation is less. You definitely say it right that working with friends is harder because it requires a high sense of EQ. One must be competent enough to actually assign work to each friend. Moreover if it is a team out of friendship, the tasks become even more difficult for the team leader. I think the situation is pretty understandable.
2) In the other case (Where I mention that I have formed good friendship with my team mates), I realise that when we formed the team we were not friends. So during the course of the tasks we might have formed a good bond but this bond is actually based on the understanding that we are in a same team and we must work towards the same goal. In any case the teamwork would come before friendship. The bond here means that we are working as a team and we understand each other's ways of thinking. In no way we are going to take each other for granted.
I hope I have a clear point of view here :)
Regards
Angad